June 17, 2021
Dear God, today I was thinking about my naivete. I’ve been thinking about it a lot actually. I’m choosing to be naive because I don’t want to assume the worst in people. But by not being more critical I’m potentially putting people in danger. I feel like the cousin and friends I took to downtown LA and they thought it was funny to flash gang signs at people on Olvera Street. It was really dangerous but they didn’t want to know. They thought it was a game.
I think that’s how I feel about myself. I don’t want to know how bad things can get, how evil people can be. It’s like I think it’s a game. I’m glad I’m not afraid of death threats, but maybe it’s only because I imagine myself immune. I think I’m invincible. But I don’t want to live in fear either and I don’t know where the middle ground is.
Sometimes I think it is good to be uber honest and not hold back any of my cards. I feel like building trust takes trust and a big part of all this mess, for all these years, is that no one trusts each other. I’ve earned the trust of several people in the community who were jaded. For the documentary it opened up people to listening because they saw I wasn’t hiding anything, I don’t have any secret agendas.
But with some people I don’t know if it’s a good idea to be so vulnerable and open. And what’s more, what if I’m intentionally ignoring any danger because I don’t want to admit that I’m powerless against it? I don’t want to become jaded. I don’t want to be cynical. I want to see the good in people and I believe people can become what you believe them to be.
And that’s why I try to do everything your way God, and thought I make mistakes, then I have nothing to hide. And even if something bad I did was exposed, I wouldn’t want to hide from it, I’d want to admit it and apologize and make amends. That’s what we learned to do in CR.
But I get scared that the public might not accept my apologies if I were to make a mistake and everything I’ve done, and all the people I’ve tried to help, would be ruined.
I don’t have as much of my “we learn from mistakes” attitude right now. I have more a “be afraid of running everything” view. But that’s all coming from the standpoint that I have to do this, instead of the truth which is, you God are doing this. And I pray if I did mess up, that you would have another person ready to take over if I get taken down.
I need to remember how much bigger this is than myself, even bigger than me and Jeni and Denise and our team. This is your plan God- these are your people suffering. It’s not my job to save them, that’s your specialty. It’s my job to show up and do my best to listen to you and obey. And when I make mistakes, because I know I will, you are bigger than me. All the same I pray my mistakes wouldn’t hurt people or the work you’re doing. Please catch me Holy Spirit before I do anything dumb so I can do things your way, because your ways are so good and you bring life to everything you touch.
Please give me wisdom to know when/what to hold back to be wise, please let me know when I need to spill my guts. Thank you that hardship is the path to peace, and that you’re not afraid of my naivete, mistakes and awkward moments. You know what to do and if you can use me to do any of it, than you are a miracle worker.
And you are a miracle worker.
Please remind me that you use the weak to lead the strong. I am weak. You are the leader. And I don’t have to be strong. Help me to see you, to hear you, to trust you. Please give me a double dose, a triple dose, of wisdom for this Lord. It’s so complicated on so many levels.
Amen.
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