Monday, February 10, 2014

Wild Ride

Today has gone surprisingly well. Grace hates having her picc line dressing changed, but she did a great job even though she was very unhappy about it. Her numbers are still low, but higher than last week which made the doctor feel optimistic that the chemo is probably working. I was feeling really up. Grace has been talking today, smiling and making jokes. So far no nausea from the chemo, but last week it didn't hit until midnight, so we'll see how today ends.

Today I joined a Facebook support group for ALL. Within ten minutes I was connected to two other moms whose children also had Ph(+). One of them commented that it's been a year for them since diagnosis and a "wild ride." And in that small statement my courage collapsed.

I feel like I live in two dimensions. The real and the imagined real. Sometimes, like today, I feel unfamiliar even in my own house. It feels as if I'm shocked out of a dream and I don't know where I am for a moment. In my imagined real, my plans and schedules and disinfectant wipes are enough to cure Grace. Today I was shocked out of it by the other mom's statement and I realized my plans have no power. My schedules, while helpful, can't cure, and my wipes don't even impress Grace's doctor, compared to her medicines. And suddenly I'm back in that unfamiliar place called Leukemia. And it's real. Suddenly very real.

Sometimes I feel I don't even know how to pray for Grace. Obviously I want God to heal her completely and that this will be one day an amazing story. But I also know that not all of God's stories end that way. I want to pray for God's will to be done, but I'm so afraid to that I worry that I'm avoiding the topic too often.

Sometimes I'm so filled with peace it seems to be my only reality. When I'm afraid like today, it seems like the peace was only a hopeful dream and my fear is the only true reality. So then I turn back to God's word, to find his reality. It calms me again and helps me to breathe. This Psalm is just right for tonight.

Psalm 116

I love the Lord because he hears my voice
    and my prayer for mercy.
Because he bends down to listen,
    I will pray as long as I have breath!
Death wrapped its ropes around me;
    the terrors of the grave[a] overtook me.
    I saw only trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Please, Lord, save me!”
How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
    So merciful, this God of ours!
The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
    I was facing death, and he saved me.
Let my soul be at rest again,
    for the Lord has been good to me.
He has saved me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling.
And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
    as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
    “I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
    “These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
    for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
    and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people.
15 The Lord cares deeply
    when his loved ones die.
16 Lord, I am your servant;
    yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
    you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
    and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
    in the heart of Jerusalem.
Praise the Lord!


  1. Love you sweetie. Perfect scripture. Continuing to pray for strength for you and Chad... and that's long term! I know we are all in for a ride and I'm here with you ... even though I'm in Orange County. I pray as you sleep tonight you feel the ever loving arms of God wrapped around you and comfort you with His peace.

  2. You've never met me but I also have a four-year-old daughter, so I will be praying for Grace as if she were my own. We'll keep a candle lit at our house for Grace's recovery, and prayers for her in our hearts and on our lips every day.

    The peace you describe feeling is the peace that only the Lord can provide, and that transcends all understanding (Phil 4:7). He is with you and Grace, He won't leave you.

    1. Dear Melissa,

      This is the day that the Lord has made and He has heard your prayers. There is a cure for cancer that not many people know about, it's called "Ketogenic Diet": Cancer is big business so this information will not be on CNN but praise God it was on CBN:

      I have a dog that was diagnosed with Mast Cell Tumor Cancer 3 years ago,and the Ketogenic diet saved her life. Her big tumor died in just 1 month.

      Many people have been able to reversed their Cancer with this diet, even those who were in the last stage of Cancer, so please do not overlook this information, this is the answer that you were waiting for.

      God Almighty has already provided for the healing of our bodies.I keep you and Grace and your family in my prayers.

      May the Lord bless and heal your little angel.

      In Love.

  3. Hello, I just "met" you through and think I may have been the first to sign the petition. Such a small thing...I'm sure fifty other people will offer to create a Hair Loss Barbie just for you, but is it very important that it be an "official" Barbie sealed in a box?

    1. Priscilla, you're very sweet. We had Ella in the box when we first received her. Grace takes Ella to important events and we're really thankful for her. We'll keep you updated if we hear from Mattel. I don't think it's very important chemo barbies be in the box, but I'm not sure how easy it is to create one, especially with a wig. If you're up for the challenge I'd love to see photos. Thanks!

  4. Just watch, nothing else need be said.


    RUN FROM THE CURE: The Rick Simpson Story

    The Key In The Lock: