Today I joined a Facebook support group for ALL. Within ten minutes I was connected to two other moms whose children also had Ph(+). One of them commented that it's been a year for them since diagnosis and a "wild ride." And in that small statement my courage collapsed.
I feel like I live in two dimensions. The real and the imagined real. Sometimes, like today, I feel unfamiliar even in my own house. It feels as if I'm shocked out of a dream and I don't know where I am for a moment. In my imagined real, my plans and schedules and disinfectant wipes are enough to cure Grace. Today I was shocked out of it by the other mom's statement and I realized my plans have no power. My schedules, while helpful, can't cure, and my wipes don't even impress Grace's doctor, compared to her medicines. And suddenly I'm back in that unfamiliar place called Leukemia. And it's real. Suddenly very real.
Sometimes I feel I don't even know how to pray for Grace. Obviously I want God to heal her completely and that this will be one day an amazing story. But I also know that not all of God's stories end that way. I want to pray for God's will to be done, but I'm so afraid to that I worry that I'm avoiding the topic too often.
Sometimes I'm so filled with peace it seems to be my only reality. When I'm afraid like today, it seems like the peace was only a hopeful dream and my fear is the only true reality. So then I turn back to God's word, to find his reality. It calms me again and helps me to breathe. This Psalm is just right for tonight.