All the same, I couldn't shake the feeling no matter how I tried. Then God gave me a secret time. Luke fell asleep in the car and I parked out front of the house for a half an hour of unexpected quiet time. As I was praying and reading more Beth Moore, God really revealed a few things to me. One, that I'm so afraid of failing Grace. I was so worried that if I got too tired (which I felt) or lost my patience (in the process of) or just gave up (a distant possibility) then Grace would too. Because in some real ways, her outlook is based on Chad's and my outlooks. And I was worried that I couldn't provide her the positive, strong outlook she needed.
Beth Moore said the verse, "taking every thought and making it captive to Christ" is to think about things in our life the way Jesus would. So I tried to think about what I was feeling as if I was Jesus. I realized that He would see His Father's abundance of grace and strength and that even though I get weak, He isn't. So even though my fuzzy brain could hardly recall a full single Bible verse, I tried to hold onto his promises as best as I could. I remembered, He will never leave us or forsake us, and that when we are weak, He is strong. And that His grace is sufficient for us.
I feel God also revealed to me that I'm trying to prepare myself emotionally for the worst, because if I got my hopes up too much, then I'd be shattered. He told me that nothing can prepare me, so stop trying, and that I need to trust Him instead. If it were to come to that, He would be my strength and comfort and that my "preparations" were just wearing me out and making me lose out on the joy that can be found in the little moments today. So I decided to trust Him.
Almost immediately that heavy weight lifted. Just like that. I could breathe again and smile again, and after I brought a sleepy boy back into the house I found a happy little girl ready to play. And that made me smile even more.