I'm not sure why our doctor waited until the very last minute to tell us that we have two more chemo sessions, identical to what we just completed. The same high doses of chemo, the same 21 day stay. I feel that it would have been easier to accept if she had informed us even a few days ago. Today we had home and victory in our hearts and our joy was quickly deflated.
I didn't feel so strong today. The thought of Grace having to endure more chemo of that toxicity had me sick to my stomach. She's not even weaned off the antibiotics or morphine from this last round.
The other morning I had another moment of panic. The MRD should tell us if she needs a bone marrow transplant (BMT) and if she does it could mean a 100 day hospital stay ontop of what were doing now. As I was panicking I heard God's voice.
He reminded me that this is not a surprise to him, only to me. He reminded me that He is so good at planing and details, and that He has planned for this since the beginning of time. He is not reacting to the situation, He has been proactive about it. He has us in the palms of His hands.
Today when I was panicking from our news that's what I held onto. And as is my custom, when I don't know what to pray, I sing. So I went to the parking lot drop off one of three loads to come home, singing, "Great is thy Faithfulness."
I'm sharing that with you not because I want you to think I'm a super star of faith or that I'm not capable of being
broken to the core of who I am. I'm a pretty broken person right now. I'm sharing so that if anyone I love is also shaken, then we'll know how to proceed. With worshiping God for who He is.
So many times He's been reminding me to keep my eyes on Him, instead of what's going on. And when I'm too wounded to pray, I thank God for the wounded people who've gone before me and left hymns for me to fall on. Also I'm very thankful for all the people who've been committed to praying for us. It's the reason we've not been overcome with despair.
Grace is not despairing. When we told her there was going to be another hospital stay shortly, she just shrugged her shoulders.
The bliss of uncomplicated bravery, I wish I was as brave as she is.