Yesterday I was going through photos. It was the first time I've looked at inpatient photos since we got home.
The photo of Grace, pale and hooked up to the "Christmas tree" tower, was almost too painful to see. I wondered to myself, how were we able to survive the agony of seeing Gracie suffer? How did it seem bearable at the time?
If the presence of God hadn't been with us, we would not have survived it. Or if had we survived it, we would have at least come out broken and wounded in heart and mind. But here we are, still batteling cancer, and we are whole, full of peace, joy, and holding onto Jesus more than ever.
Gracie is not cancer or chemo free yet, even though she's done chemo bombing. We still go to the hospital once to twice a week. Actually, it's very similar to the schedule and treatment Gracie got when she was first diagnosed. It's even called "re-induction."
Similar to when she was first diagnosed she's currently getting chemo at least once a week at the hospital, as well as blood transfusions. She's also getting chemo via pills at night and I also give her a transfusion of chemo at home four days a week through her port. Because she has to stay accessed we're banned from swimming. Because her counts are getting low I'm back to being cautious about outside activities, though better this the paranoid me before. She's vommitting occasionally and losing weight rapidly- she just doesn't want to eat. But overall she has tons of energy and has been enjoying life to the fullest.
I have moments of fear but i know that the God who came beside us when we needed him the most will never leave us, no matter what the future or cancer brings.