Today I was really bugged. I was bugged about what I wrote last night. Not that any of it wasn't true, but I think I like to come off more spiritual, peaceful and collected than I actually am, at least not all the time. Truthfully, I have some hard days inside my head. It's not that Chad and I weren't talking about the joys of being used by God yesterday, we did, but it was a small part of my day. And overall yesterday was pretty good anyhow.
Today I took the kids to the beach and I almost had one panic attack and nearly two tearful meltdowns. Overall we had a great time. It's just Grace got a sand rash and at first I couldn't tell if it was a bruise. I first had to decide if it was bruising called petechiae. And as I was trying to wipe off all the sand and make the assessment, I had to prepare myself mentally to pack quickly, leave the beach with two dirty kids and go straight to CHLA for a platelet transfusion.
Thankfully it was just the rash. But then I twice second guessed myself and tried to make sure I hadn't taken Grace to an unsafe environment and that was when I almost broke down crying. Sometimes the thinking is too much for me. I didn't cry and that makes me a strong person or a calloused one. Somedays I can't tell which.
Anyhow, I need to be more truthful for my own sake. Some days are good days. Some days are bad days. I don't want to stretch the truth by exaggerating or by omission because then I cheat myself on experiencing the day for what it was, and if God has each day planned then I need to go through it, body and mind. I'm also working hard to avoid depression, and that for me means being real with myself and allowing myself to fail, and to feel.
Anyhow. I feel much better now that I've made that confession. It's something I'll have to continue to work on. It's good to be positive. And I'm good at it. But being accepted as the real me is something I'm learning to value in my relationships with people and with God.
(the rest of the day at the beach was fantastic. We had such a good time that I didn't even bother to take photos. No time! We found seashells, seven purple urchins and played a ton in the water. It was great!)
Thanks for being honest, Melissa. It makes the rest of us feel better that we aren't 100% together all the time. In my office I have a drinking glass that has a line etched around the middle with the saying, "This glass is now half-empty." It's kind of a joke, but it's a reminder and an object lesson to me (and my clients) of a principle I learned a few years back: The optimist says the glass is half-full. The pessimist says the glass is half-empty. The person of faith says, "It doesn't really matter. I know Who holds the pitcher." It's okay to have a half-full day, Melissa. He's got the pitcher and He'll pour it at just the right time. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI know Who hold the pitcher ..... Beautiful
DeleteI think to be a believer on this side of eternity is both --feeling the pain and hurt and sorrow of our struggles, and feeling the hope we have in Christ-- at the same time. It feels schizophrenic and our tendency is to want go to one side or the other; but the present reality is both. It is hard to share joy when you have sorrow, and sorrow when you have deep peace; but to be truthful, that is how it is. I struggle with the same thing.
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