Last night I had nightmares all night long of being back in the hospital.
Grace had a scratch on her shoulder that had purple veins starting to creep near it. I was very worried it was an infection. I called the 4th floor Oncologist and they had us watch it for the night. By the morning it looked better but I called the Infusion "Fast Track" (like an Oncology Urgent Care at CHLA) and sent them the photos. While we waited for their response I got Grace dressed and emotionally prepped to be poked and to spend the day/potentially night at the hospital instead of going to school.
The threat of infection is still very real for Gracie, even though she is now in maintenance. We know one other family that their daughter caught an infection in maintenance and went into septic shock and spent some time in the PICU fighting for her life. The thought of it had me very scared to say the least.
I felt God so closely during most of our journey, but those last two months when we were in the ER six times and spent weeks with Grace in terrible pain and no answers- remembering that time still wracks me with emotional pain. Why did God allow it? Why didn't he provide answers sooner and spare Grace the misery? Why didn't he take my fears away? How can he love us if he turned his face from us?
This morning I was praying for God to take that pain away and I felt him whisper, "it's ok to be in pain. It will take time to heal, and that is ok." Essentially he was telling me to allow myself to be broken, to not skip the process of healing, and that I am allowed to be close to him even as I'm hurting and grieving and even angry at him.
I've spent all morning trying to wonder how we managed to get through that time and trying to understand if God did abandon us for that small part of our journey.
Then I remembered. Each morning in the hospital I sang,
"Great is thy faithfulness
Great is thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed thy hand hath provided
Great is they faithfulness
Lord unto me."
Day by day God provided what we needed. It was like manna for the Israelites. There was enough mana for each day. It didn't secure the week, but for that day it provided. If you held onto that day's worth of manna, and didn't get it new the next morning, the old mana spoiled. Every day you had to get "new mercies."
Looking back, I was only seeing and feeling the pain of the entire experience. Now I am reminded that day by day God held us and gave us enough for that day. I now see his constant and sufficient grace for each day. It didn't take the whole away. But he did not leave us.
I am still healing, but for today, his mercies will bring us through.