These last two weeks were hard on me. Actually the last month has been rough. We've had an ER trip when Chad fell off his bike, two asthma specialists visits with Luke and round the clock asthma treatment, Grace spent two weeks in pain (especially at night) from the constipation which as two weeks of me battling her doctors so that they would treat her sooner rather than later. That's over two weeks of interrupted sleep culminated with an inpatient trip to the hospital which guarantees no sleep.
I'm rather exhausted. (Though I can't complain much compared to my other cancer mom friends who are still in active treatment).
And angry. Unreasonably angry and easy to frustrate. Even though I'm sure some of it is because I gave up coffee this week, it's been more than that. Everywhere I look around my house I'm aware of laundry piles, my clothes not fitting anymore, dishes not done, messes on the table, messes under the table, work deadlines gone past, and two kids running around half-naked while we're 15 minutes late to church. I thought I was going to go crazy this morning and I had to work so hard to not do or say something I'd later regret.
When I got to church today I was praying for help. For God to take my anger and show me my own heart. And he did. It came down to control. The last few months before this one have been so nice. Life had fallen back into the pattern that my A-type personality thrives on. I was caught up on the bills, mail, email, deadlines, laundry, dishes, and I was making great meals every night. I was really on top of my game. Then this last month hit, and especially with Grace's inpatient stay, and all of my control went away.
To compensate I tried to get more in control. I tired harder, stayed up later to do chores, did more, pushed harder. And the more I've fought to get control the more unhappy I've become. I really thought that if I could get my life clean and organized I would be happier. It wasn't working.
God showed me today that I've made control my "god." I've been putting my faith in me controlling my life. And I feel that He's let that sit very uncomfortably with me these last few weeks until I realized it wouldn't work. It's not an issue of dishes and mismatched socks, it's a heart issue that I am unwilling to let God lead. Because he's lead us through cancer and I just get scared sometimes that he'll lead us through it again. But if I don't trust God, I manage to make my life (and my family's life) miserable.
I spent a lot of time in prayer (which for me means about 15 minutes since I'm very ADD when it comes to prayer) and I really feel more peace. So much so that when my kids had several fits this afternoon I was able to discipline them without them getting under my skin. They're no longer a threat to my control because my God is now in control again and two kids who collectively don't add up to ten years old aren't a real threat to His plan, even at their worst. My life around me may be out of control but now that I've given control back into God, the outside threats aren't threats, just bothers.
I know that it will take a lot of practice for me to keep giving control back to God. I also know that I need to rest more. Now that He's in control I don't have to work so hard so I can get the rest I need. And I need it. And coffee. Which I'll give up another week.
This week I vow that my life will be messier and that I will trust in God for everything we need. It will exceed my comfort zone, but I keep finding that real and lasting happiness is always outside my comfort zone anyhow.