Heaven’s Healing Hotline Parody

 Just so you know, this is not the way God deals with our prayers...it's a parody. 

Agnes has angel wings and a call center headphone on and several paper files spread across her desk. Daniel has a cell phone. Phone rings, Agnes answers.

Agnes: Herpes, Ebola or flu, Jesus cares for you. This is Heaven’s Healing Hotline, Angel Agnes speaking, how can I help you?

Daniel: I’m calling to check on the status of my prayer request. I have cancer, you see, and…

Agnes: Name?

Daniel: Daniel Smith.

Agnes: Hold please. (hallelujah choir plays during hold)

Agnes: Patience is a virtue, thank you for holding.  Mr. Smith I’m having trouble locating your file. Was it a medical, mental, or dental healing you requested?

Daniel: Medical. I have cancer and…

Agnes: Ah! Here is your file Mr. Smith. Let’s verify your records. I see you’re listed as Mr. Daniel Smith, age 42, living in Normalville, Iowa.

Daniel: Yes.

Agnes: I see you drive a Volvo and are current on your registration.

Daniel: That’s correct.

Agnes: I see here you currently have stage IV thyroid cancer. Why didn’t you contact us earlier when it was Stage I?

Daniel: I did actually.

Agnes: Yes, yes, here it is. Stage I request… Ohh… I see the problem.

Daniel: Problem?

Agnes: Yes, this letter reads, “Dear God,”

Daniel: And that’s a problem?

Agnes: Well, you used a comma.

Daniel: Was that wrong?

Agnes: This is a formal request sir. I would have used a semi colon myself.

Daniel: A semi colon?

Agnes: Grammar counts when supplicating the Almighty. He’s the everlasting God, he wasn’t born in a barn you know (laughs).

Daniel: But I thought Jesus was born in a barn.

**silence**

Daniel: Hello?

Agnes: Well then, let’s check your references. I see you didn’t include anything from your pastor.

Daniel: Was that required?

Agnes: Recommended but not required. Alright, let’s review your proofs.

Daniel: Proofs?

Agnes: Yes, proof of faith. I see your certificate of baptism here. Let’s see if that was a sprinkling or a full immersion? It says…partial. That seems questionable. (Rustles through paperwork) And here it says you believe Jesus was delivered over to death for your sins and was raised to life for your justification.

Daniel: Yes.

Agnes: And Mr. Smith, I’m afraid your other proofs haven’t come through. That’s likely the cause for the delay. Did you use include Form 7613ez when you submitted them?

Daniel: Wait, I needed other proofs? I don’t have other proofs.

Agnes: You don’t? Tsk tsk. You’ll want to include more than just your faith in Jesus.

Daniel: I thought that faith in Jesus was how I obtained salvation.

Agnes: Salvation, yes. But a miraculous healing is a bigger task for God. Much bigger than salvation. We require two or more proofs of your faith.

Daniel: Such as?

Agnes: Have you changed water into wine or other beverage, either alcoholic or nonalcoholic?

Daniel: No, I haven’t, I…

Agnes: Have you recently multiplied any food items, not limited to bread or fish?

Daniel: No, I…

Agnes: Moved any mountains, mountain peaks, mountain ranges, mountain sides, summits, bluffs, dunes, hills, and/or, foothills?

Daniel: What? No! I…

Agnes: Mr. Smith, how do you intend God to be able to heal you if you don’t have enough proof of your faith?

Daniel: I didn’t realize I needed faith for God to be able to heal, I…

Agnes: Look, Mr. Smith. (sighs) I’m willing to add you to the bottom of the B list. If God has any power left over after healing all the Christians with real faith, then he’ll start to answer the B list prayers according to the order your request was received.

Daniel: Oh. I see.

Agnes: But don’t be too sad Mr. Smith. Should God deny your request, your consolation prize is that you’ll be joining us in heaven here real soon.

Daniel: Heaven?

Agnes: I realize it isn’t much of a consolation.

Daniel: It’s not that, it’s….

Agnes: Oh! I forgot to mention that you can also fill out our ‘Permanent Exclusion from Death Request.’ That’s form 1894d.

Daniel: Then I would never die?

Agnes: Well, in all of creation God has only approved it twice, once for Enoch and once for Elijah, but seeing how your file is so thin, I think just adding extra papers could help your case. That’s the best I can do for you today.

Daniel: Oh. I just feel so…

Agnes: Thank you for calling today Mr. Smith and remember, ‘You don’t have Faith until you have our 16oz Inspiration Coffee Cup, now available online and at selected retailers.' Goodbye.

(Ends call, answers next call) 

Agnes:  Herpes, Ebola or flu, Jesus cares for you…