Footnotes

I have been angry at Christians for five years now. 

And by angry I mean I have been judgemental, cynical, jaded and envious. If you've read any other posts you'll remember that I've deemed most Christians "hallelujah" singers, and I can't be one anymore. I didn't want to be one. 

I no longer have that sweet, blissful innocence to praise God for the forgiveness of my sins, as if sin was the only thing separating my heart from God. I judged Christians (unfairly) that they were praising God because they could feel better about themselves, since they could no longer be called sinners. 

I hated worshiping at church when Grace was in treatment. I still struggle with it so much that I think it's become a form of PTSD for me. Instead of singing, I often sit with my journal and pen and praise God in a way that makes sense to me. I can't sing songs when I don't agree with them. The lyrics aren't just words to me, but declarations about my beliefs of who God is. 

But many of our modern worship songs are about victory and success. One song goes so far to say, "[God] you're never going to let me down." 

I can't sing that unless there is a footnote under it saying, "We don't mean God won't let you down on your dreams or goals. He may let your heart be torn in half with trauma, tragedy and failure. What we mean is that God will always forgive you, always love you, and always keep his promises of heaven. He will never forsake you. So you might feel completely let down, completely abandoned at times, breathing your last, but according to his definitions of "never let down," this song is true."

But there is no footnote. And I can't sing it.

To sing those lyrics, I would be slipping back into denial or flat out lying about my painful journey with God. And it's too emotionally tiring for me to sift through the trauma and go through my own footnotes of context for every line of a song. So I sit quietly, feeling isolated from the hallelujah Christians around me. I journal my fears and my mental and emotional anguish and my longing to feel God's comfort again.

I try not to be jealous of the other uplifted faces around me whose only burden in life is sin, and who can sing these songs without their faith being challenged through every verse. They have been freed from sin and are now completely in union with God. But Jesus forgiving my sin isn't enough for me. I am not in bondage to any sin right now, as far as I can tell, though I still sin daily. But sin alone is not what is separating my heart from God.  

My confusion about how God could allow such suffering is separating me. Confusion about his promises. My doubts about heaven. My fears that God could allow Grace's cancer to return since his promises do not guarantee long life or health. My emotional PTSD and depression, they also keep my heart numb and seperate. 

Forgiveness of sin is critical for a relationship with God, but when we praise God as if that's the only solution he has for mankind, it doesn't address the grief separating me from God right now.  

It feels like this spiritual desert has been infinite and has left my soul parched and clinging to life. Still, I know who Jesus is- historically, if nothing else. The resurrection of Jesus can't be explained away. When I feel there is nothing left to my faith I come to the cross. I lay beneath it, when I no longer have the strength to stand. If my tears are spent, I just lay there in silence.

And there, when my prayers are only whispers, God has heard them, and counts them as precious. 

***

There are some Christians who reading this will quickly point out that my doubts could be considered sin for not trusting God. That my pride and arrogance is sinful. My self righteousness for judging other Christians so harshly is sin and therefore my sin is separating me from God. You're right and I do ask for forgiveness, and yet the chasm between me and God is still there.

I beg you, instead of judging me and trying to solve my problems, have compassion for me instead. I am human and have suffered greatly. God has shown so much mercy to me during this period when my heart is daily ripped open from the memories of nearly five years of trauma. 

And please don't be offended by my brutal honesty. It has been the gentle love of many Christian friends and family who have saved me from drowning in my doubt and pain. I am not against Christians, but I do feel lost. Thank you for understanding.