Also

In Celebrate Recovery, one of the hardest of the 12 steps is the dreaded step 4...inventory. It's an opportunity to list out every harm you've caused and every harm done to you. It's an incredibly painful step but thankfully my sponsor helped me through it. Several times she helped me see that my beliefs about certain events were based on a child's reasoning, but I was carrying the guilt and pain into adulthood. Whenever she pointed these out it was an immediate relief, because children's understandings are 90% emotions and fears and are often interlaced with superstitious equations, not logic.

But if she hadn't been there to give her objective opinion I wouldn't have questioned what already seemed settled.

At church last Sunday we talked about surrendering to God's will for our lives. That's been a really hard topic for me. When Grace last had cancer I surrendered and did my best to trust and obey God. (And as I write this, the feelings in the pit in my stomach is sprouting into a choking weed). The thought of being willing to surrender to God's will feels like Grace would get cancer again. I know it doesn't make sense, but sometimes logic made under duress is a lot like the reasoning of a child. And the thought of Grace relapsing again is so frightening that I won't allow myself to think about it.

But God took the role of my sponsor last Sunday.

He gently reminded me that I hadn't surrendered to Grace having cancer. I had surrendered to God in the things that coincided with Grace's cancer- to try to trust him.

Grace's cancer was never in my realm of control, though realizing I have no real control in my life is also frightening. And that might have been an unconscious reason I allowed myself to think I had let Grace get cancer by obeying God- because then somehow I could prevent it in the future. It seems so childish on paper, but it's been a daily influence in my walk with God lately. The fear that somehow my willingness to obey Him in the hard things could open the door to another relapse.

He also gave me a prophetic word, "Also."

I've been angry again that Grace's cancer is one of the main reasons that the SSFL is getting cleaned up. I would have never become the woman who could be brave, people wouldn't have listened without my personal experience with Grace's cancer, and it was the medium which revealed the problem in the first place. I hate Grace's cancer so passionately that sometimes I resent the work God has me doing to help fix the problem.

I've been so angry at God for letting Grace get cancer. I know it was because of the decisions made by greedy people, but I also believe He is a miracle giving God and I know he could have stopped her cancer with one word, especially when it existed as 1 or 2 cells. And he chose not to. I know it's not the same as giving her cancer, but in his sovereignty, I believe he allowed it.

And I've been so mad again. The PTSD rips open the wounds every single time I think I'm getting better, and every single time I'm back at the beginning again. I feel like it's the day Grace relapsed and I have to decide if I will continue to follow God, or if I will reject him. It's been so emotionally exhausting.

And I've also watched the good God is bringing out of her cancer. I feel so conflicted that some days I think I'll implode.

But "Also" is an important word for me, a word I need to hold onto as if it were life support.

• God allowed Grace to get cancer. Also, He is using her cancer to protect others.
• My faith in God was completely devastated. Also, I continue to trust him.
• I am broken. Also, I am healing.
• I hate Grace's cancer so much I want to burn the world down. Also, I am grateful for the good things God has allowed to come from it.

Again, it seems so simple on paper, but it's been a nightmare living in my brain lately. My faith (and emotions) have been ricocheting from one extreme to the other until I think I'll lose my mind. It's been exhausting. 

But there's calm in Also. It's a place of rest where my extremes can coexist.  It's where I don't have to make sense. 

And that seems to be where God keeps leading me back to, the place where I find him waiting for me, the place where he understands me when I don't understand anything.