There have been some things happening that have made me feel like "I AM AN IMPORTANT ACTIVIST." I have such a strong tendency to build my identity on what I do. But I know how dangerous that mentality is for me.
It's been amazing, the people I've been able to meet lately. There are people across the nation who have a wealth of information and expertise on environmental justice and toxic and nuclear cleanup activism. And they've been so generous to share with me and spend time teaching me. And somehow I let that influence the way I thought of myself, that I must be important if these amazing people are willing to spend time with me.
And I've been part of some aspects of leadership in the activist world and somehow I thought myself self-sufficient. I seemed to forget so quickly how much my mentors are really the forces at work and they include me and teach me, which I am so grateful for.
I started to think maybe I was the reason why things were working out well as an activist.
I've always thought that if I were to be susceptible to falling into a trap of sin, my trap would be pride. Not the "I feel proud of how hard I worked" pride. The "I am an important person" pride. And thankfully I've been able to see the trap ahead of me for once, instead of walking blindly into it. I think it's a combination of the Holy Spirit and also the years of Celebrate Recovery that helped me learn to see the patterns in my life.
Celebrate Recovery is also where I learned that God didn't make me strong enough to resist the trap of sin. And that was on purpose. He created us to live in community and to bear each other's burdens. So I'm going to start back again, probably only every-other-week, but I hope that extra diligence and support will protect me from falling.
It would be so tragic if I messed up everything God has been doing because I thought I was more important than the people around me. I would eventually lose the friends I've made on this journey. I would probably begin to make some major mistakes that could cost us the cleanup. I would eventually lose myself.
I started to pray about this and think about what good leadership looks like. And right away I thought of Jesus. He was the poster child for "servant leadership." And that was a huge relief, because I don't always know what a good leader looks like but I do know what a good servant looks like.
Good servants:
* Think of other's needs and not just their own
* Values others more than they value themselves
* Builds up others instead of themselves
* Promotes others instead of themselves
* Gives opportunity to others instead of being a "gatekeeper."
* Listens to others more than they talk
I'm certain there are more qualities but that's what I can think of right now. And by becoming a servant leader, I never have to worry about falling into pride, because a servant leader is focused on others and not just themselves.
The other thing that helped was this thought; there's a man in the community who is against the SSFL cleanup. Whenever he tries to discourage me he says, "this will go on for another 10 years. Are you willing to lose 10 years of your life?"
I was thinking about it this morning, that I would reply that even if I wasn't helping cleanup the SSFL, I'd still be obeying God doing something else. Who knows what it would be? Maybe being a foster parent? Maybe being a pediatric cancer advocate? Maybe volunteering with the kids' school more?
Regardless, I would be doing something and it wouldn't just be for me. And that made me realize that maybe God won't always have me doing SSFL activism. He could put someone else in my place or not need me in this role after the cleanup was done, or etc. etc.
And that gave me peace. Why would I need to make myself an "important activist" if that's not even guaranteed in my future? Instead of trying to put the cart before the horse, I just need to obey for what God has for me today. If I do that, I'll get to wherever he's leading me, no matter where that journey leads me, activist or not.
Along the way I can be a servant, serving God and serving others. That's where I find the "real" me anyhow, the one that doesn't depend on others or the work I do to build an identity. I can find my identity in who God made me, and who he is, and how he loves me.
Just me.
Melissa.
That's good enough for me.
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