Thursday, January 30, 2014

Can't wrap my brain around it

This is Grace on her 4th birthday this last January.

Chad and I were both talking last night that we remember the morning after we were married. We woke up, looked at each other and both said, "I'm still me....what happened?" We were both absolutely expecting to be transformed into a "Married Person," and we were so surprised to find ourselves still married.

That's how leukemia felt until today. It was this vague, general concept that was more a theory than fact. It is a layer on top of our lives, but we're still so ourselves that it's startling at times. I had no way to grasp it. We still have so many unknowns and really, it didn't seem to be effecting Grace much. Yes, she was in the hospital but she was still our playful, fun little girl. I kept expecting the doctors to say, "We made a mistake. Grace is totally fine, go home to your lives."

Today was different. I saw cancer today, I felt it. Our active girl was so tired she was on the couch most of the day. She didn't want to dance or run from zombie mommy or play hide and seek.

Today I saw the fatigue in her eyes and it hurt me. My heart had a cold, achy, emptiness. Thankfully my mother-in-law came over today and I ran to the store just so I could be by myself. I sat in the locked car and cried there for some time.

A friend called me tonight saying, "it isn't fair." And it's not. Those of you who know us we didn't do anything to deserve this. Later Chad and I had some worship time and sang the song, "Lord I need you" and no words rang from heaven. But as I focused on the words I started to remember that he made his promise in blood when He said He would "never leave or forsake us." His cross is the promise. In all my fear and anger and despair, the cross is still there. I started to say things I know to be true, that He is close to the brokenhearted. And what Satan has come to steal, kill and destroy, He has come to give life and life abundantly. That He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us hope and a future. Slowly the ache melted and I felt a warmth in me. Over the years I have come to recognize that warmth and I know the feeling of my Jesus's hand on my heart.

Overall it was a very hard day for me. And God has not promised me that He will not take Grace from us. But He has promised us himself. That He will walk this path with us and he will carry us and not let us go. Please keep us in prayer that we will stay strong enough to keep standing in faith...but even should we fall, I know we can fall on His grace.

(The kids really enjoyed a bike ride today. I think the bike will be our key to the outdoor world)


  1. Love you sweetie!! Praying for you and Chad as well as Grace!!

  2. It was really difficult and surreal to watch my daughter go through chemo for an aggressive form of lymphoma, but she was an adult. But God brought us through it. At one point she asked me if God was mad at her. I told her no! God never promised life would be easy. He promised He would walk through the trials with us. She'll be cancer-free six years in March. Praying for God's grace to carry you through whatever you face. He is good!

  3. That song also melts my heart!!!