(Grace painted this for me yesterday.)
I asked God to clear my head and all the confusion. More than anything I just wanted a word from him, to hear his voice, to feel his comfort. I was completely mixed on being there. Half of me wanted to run away and half of me refused to leave until I felt him. Luckily the refusing me won.
As I was praying, and I have no idea what I was praying, God showed me that I was carrying a burden I wasn't meant to. (Teri Reisser, my therapist, you'll be happy if/when you read this). I am by nature a people pleaser, which is why I was in therapy before Grace got sick. God showed me that I wanted good to come out of Grace being sick, which in of itself is not a bad thing. I've desired that people would be changed when they see how God is working in our lives, but the problem was that I had taken the emotional responsibility of that happening.
Also God showed me that I was not only trying to "save the world" but that I was trying to compensate for him, as if he made a mistake by letting this happen. I was trying to cover his mistake with my actions and feelings, pretending that this was really all ok with me because it was for his glory. He let me know last night that it was ok to be angry at him. And it all came out.
I am so angry at God. That he would let this happen to us, to Grace. That he would allow his people to suffer. And as we suffer I feel the world suffer. I feel connected to the sick and broken in a way I've never before, it's no longer "them" and "me."And I am angry at God for all of it. And I feel so connected to Jesus because he has allowed me to be real with him. He's made it safe for me to be angry at him and when my pretending went away, the real me was filled with his peace and presence in the way I've been longing for. And I'm still broken. And I'm still angry. And I feel peace for that.
If God brings good out of this, it will be his miracle, not mine. He showed me that my job for now is to take care of my family and keep my eyes on Him only. If others are helped or encouraged or even find salvation, it will because he did it. Not me. Only other people pleasers will be able to understand the relief that brought me and the huge weight that has come off my shoulders.
And I can be myself around Jesus, even my worst self. What a relief. All last night during worship my repetitive hymn was, "Thank you that I can be angry at you and still be loved by you."