These last few days have had ups and downs. My emotions almost always mirror Grace's physical condition, for better or for worse. When she was in pain this week, I felt angry. I was angry to think that God could and would bring good out of our situation in any form. I didn't want good, I just wanted the cancer to stop.
Little by little God has softened my heart. I'm reading Beth Moore's "The Beloved Disciple," and I found Jesus again. Every time I see Jesus again I'm drawn back to God when I see his tenderness and love for the lost and broken. And I'm still reading "When the Doctor has Bad News," and he shared part of Corrie Ten Boom's story, who was hero and a concentration camp survivor. We nearly named Grace Corrie after that amazing woman, and if you have never read "The Hiding Place," make that the next thing you do. When I remembered her courage and how she held onto God, I was strengthened again.
And I have been memorizing Isaiah 43:1 which says, "Thus says the Lord. He who created you, O Jacob. He who formed you, O Israel. Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you, and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you," and I was comforted again.
By the way, this verse means a lot to me. When I was a teen and had an auto-immune disease called ITP I imagined that I was in a deep, dry riverbed. A flash flood instantly filled the riverbed and I had to hide behind a giant boulder in the middle of the ravine in order to not be swept away. Jesus was the boulder, and as long as I pressed myself as close as I could to the rock, then I would only feel the power of the storm surging past. I became thoroughly soaked from the spray, but I was not destroyed by the powerful waters.
I had forgotten about that dream. Recently my pastor texted me this; "As I am writing, in my mind's eye, I see the Bumstead family swept off the edge of a river into a torrent. You are holding Gracie so that she is not overcome and Jesus is behind you, holding back the waters from overtaking you. You are safe even though there is chaos all around."
His text instantly brought me back to the vision of Jesus being my shelter in the middle of the river, and of the Isaiah 43:1 verse. So I'm working hard to press myself up as close as I can to Jesus.