I've been searching lately. Trying to get back to the time when I was unshakable in faith, hopeful and strong, fearless and courageous. And I've been praying again and again for God to help me to trust, to have faith in his plan, to hope for miracles again.
I've been praying more lately, reading more of the Psalms, trying to listen to worship music. In all honesty...nothing has worked. I still feel small, weak, tired and faithless.
As I was praying today I felt God speak to me and He asked me if I was weak, or if I just felt weak. I thought that I was weak but He showed me that though I feel weak, I am still doing the things that need to be done. I am still strong, though I feel weak.
Then He asked me if I had lost faith in Him. I thought I had. But He showed me that even though I feel like I've given up, I continue to seek after Him and pray. My relationship with God isn't dead like I thought.
We tell Grace all the time that being brave doesn't mean you don't feel scared. Being brave is doing the right thing even if you are scared. I realize now that being strong isn't about feeling that way, it's how you act regardless of how you feel. Trusting in God isn't about happy feelings, it's about following Him even if it feels like the heavens are quiet.
My emotions are not the whole truth, my actions are a better thermometer for now. I think that accurate emotions will follow again eventually, but I need to be careful not to rely on them to make decisions, even about myself, for the time being.
Knowing that that I'm bruised but not broken, I can go on. And if I need more examples of how to be brave, strong, faithful, courageous or hopeful, I just need to watch my daughter Grace in action. She knows how to do all those on a daily basis.
"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;" Isaiah 42:3