Spiritual Hot Mess

God,
I wish I were one of those Christians who bounce right back. I seem to be one who is skilled at stumbling. Sometimes I guess I'm like the person tossed by waves- but that's not entirely true. I know who you are. That doesn't change. I think that the trauma is so deep, and is resurrected so easily, that I am still a spiritual hot mess, two years later.

When I have a mountain-high and feel so close, it feels like the doubts and fears were just dreams. I feel so confident and bold. I feel proud of myself for being better.

When I hit the bottom of the pit, I feel so abandoned, like the sun itself was just a dream. I feel ashamed and paralyzed. And right now, I feel apathetic. Like maybe it's too much work to find you again and again and I should just live my life like so many do.

I feel empty. I don't want to leave you God, and I know you won't let me. We have an understanding- should I get lost, you will come find me and bring me back. I don't ever want to lose you, but I have not felt refreshed by your spirit for a long time. I think it's because I haven't been seeking you daily. So I'm very parched and have almost forgot what living water tastes like.

It's just that I have associated guilt with seeking you, so that I feel like it's harder than swimming against the current.  And about as much fun.

Chad is having great morning time with you and I feel a little jealous. I feel like I often do about exercising. He does it so well, commits himself to plans and then follows through like it was no big deal. I feel like everytime I start an exercise plan, I get injured or sick or too busy and then I feel like a failure. And feeling like a failure is rather exhausting. Really exhausting.

But the mornings are hard Lord. They're so busy and lately have been full of issues with Luke not obeying. I'm often very tired and groggy, or I just sleep through the time I was supposed to use in devotion. I feel rushed because I have to get the kids out the door, and me to the gym. Mornings aren't my favorite time to seek you.

But after the gym, or taking the kids to school, I start work.  And .I work until the kids come home and then I'm centered on them and house duties. God- you said women have salvation by having kids, which I've taken to mean that there's less structure to our relationship with you, compared to the OT Jewish men who had to go to temple. Women were often burdened with kids and couldn't. But you said they still had salvation. Maybe I just need to have less structure.

I guess I wanted to be better than that. When Grace was sick and recovering, I gave myself full leave to find you when I was able. In my girls group, they often said they only had 15 minutes for devotion time. I guess I thought I could do better than that. Maybe I just can't.

Maybe if I accept my limitations, I'd feel more freedom around you God. I just was worried that I wasn't making you a priority. And worried that you would be disappointed in me. But there's a lot on my plate, and from what I can tell, it's meant to be there. God, feel free to weed through my life. I even feel guilty about creative time, because it's not "productive" and could be time spent with you or doing chores., etc. I feel like I have to squeeze the most out of every second I'm awake. It's not fun.

Now that I step back, living in fear is never how you work. You are the God of freedom. You are the God who takes us as we are and not as we "should" be. You see my flaws and immaturity and weaknesses and you have loved me. And I think I was very wrong to assume I had to change myself for your approval. I'm not capable of making the bed most days, so I'm pretty sure my ideas of improving my spiritual life was doomed from the start.

And it was a ball and chain to think I had to become better. Just seeing the weight would cause me to despair. I wasn't coming to you to be healed, or even just to rest in your presence. And God, I'm still wounded- you know this better than me. I assumed I should have been better by now and again, that you would be disappointed in me for it. Father, my heart still breaks. From the memories of Grace's cancer, and from friends whose children are still suffering. And I feel very empty inside.

There's nothing I can do, I admit it. I can't better my schedule without your help. I can't find freedom to be myself around you, without your help. I can't rid myself of my shame without your help. And forgive me for my pride, thinking that any of the things I used to be able to do were because of me.

Maybe that's why I'm so dry. Maybe you needed to remind me that on my own, I will wear myself down to nothing. That the fountain of life is you, and all that is good, is from you.

So here I am. Totally dry. My heart is hesitant to ask for you, even now, I'm still afraid of more work when I have so little of me left. Please find me. Please help me to sit at your feet to listen. I can't do that without you, when I try on my own I mess it up, even with my good intentions. Help me to trust in you and to be dependent on you.

Thank you that you love me even when I feel nothing.
Amen