Waiting for the call

Jesus,
I'm heartbroken for Chris and for his family. It's so painful that his cancer came back and that his survival rate is so low. I didn't know what to say when Lynn told me. Father she said she'd call me later because she would need to talk...and I have no idea what I could say to bring comfort. I didn't know what to say with Lauren either, but you got involved and helped, so I pray for that again with Lynn. If it's in your will, and out of your great mercy, I pray Chris would survive.

I can hardly feel because I've been trying to forget cancer so much. The red door is showing itself and I can't bear to look, even though it's not even my child. It's so strange how when inpatient, it feels surreal and yet it's total reality, without many memories of "regular" life. Now that her cancer is gone, it's my total reality and I won't allow many memories of inpatient surface.

I think because when it does, it is another reminder that her cancer could still possibly come back. And I can't bear the thought. And I hate remembering all her pain, the loneliness- even writing the words is hard for me to get out. I can't even finish the sentence because I don't want to remember, why would I? But without those memories life feels surreal because part of my life is missing from the foundation of who I am.

I feel detached from other cancer parents and I don't know where I belong. I can't live in the cancer life mentality when Grace is fine. It would be ridiculous to stay in the trenches when we're not. I don't know how to solve this Jesus. It's beyond my knowledge. But you do. And I'm concerned about when I have to speak in front of the camera again- will I be stoic? If I cry, will it be forced? And I'm worried that it will come off wrong. And I'm worried not only how to help Lynn, but I wondered even if I had the capacity.

I've delved deep into projects so that I don't have to look out of my hole often. I feel al little shell shocked. And caught between two worlds. And I've been hiding even from you God. You know that.  I didn't.

Everytime I see you, I see Grace's cancer too. How can that wound heal? I still struggle that Grace's cancer returned, and I am still afraid that it could come again. On the outside I'm not afraid. I think I even fooled myself. But inside, where the deepest wounds are, you are there. Do you want to meet me there? Can we meet somewhere else?

I think I'm worn out from trying to "heal." I know I'm a survivor, and will never fully heal on this Earth, but I'm stuck in the middle there too. I don't want to thank you that Grace's cancer is gone- how absurd is that? I don't' want to say you've healed her in case we go through this again.

And I've healed a lot- but I think I would have to be like Much Afraid- you would have to tie me to the altar for me to say "Your will be done," if Grace's cancer returned. I almost lost you God, and I'm afraid I will again. Feeling makes me physically tired. And I sometimes wonder if I'll have enough energy to get through the day.

And how do I go through a journey that has no markers? How is progress determined? Because I'm angry at you again God. I can't find another cause of why I'm avoiding you. Also I'm being a perfectionist, and since I'm not perfect I don't want to show up, because I want to be in control. Not you.

Jesus you saved me before by giving me visions of your love. Still, I ran away and I'm afraid I don't have the energy to find you again. I have nothing. And sometimes, I prefer that. Your love hurts me sometimes Jesus. Your love means I have to trust you again, and I don't know if I can.

Some days it seems easy. I don't even know how, but I'm stuck again and can't find you. Please help me, not just to read the Bible so I can check it off the list and be "good enough" but please help me to see you Jesus. Knowing your heart is the only thing that brings me back. And if it's dependent on me, that's a problem. And maybe that's part of why I'm in hiding. I have so little left, and I have so much guilt, that it's keeping me from wanting to spend time with you.

Have mercy on me, help me to know how much you love me. I need you and I want you, even when my emotions say otherwise. Please come and rescue me from my unbelief.